a-l-i-n-e.com

Did you think that I was disappearing again? Those who follow me on Twitter or who are friends with me on Facebook probably know that I went back to Mauritius.

Everything happened too fast. On Christmas eve, all job-related procedures were completed (medical check-up, work visa etc) and I phoned my youngest sis. She bought my plane tickets on that same day & emailed me the e-tickets. I packed my small suitcase with some clothes, filled my big suitcase with things for my sisters, went shopping and on Christmas day, I took a cab to Changi airport at 10 p.m. I took the 1:20 am flight on 26th December. It was my first time flying Singapore-Dubai-Mauritius. I couldn’t get a seat on Air Mauritius and that’s why I flew on Emirates instead. I don’t want to criticise Air Mauritius but I’m seriously considering flying on Emirates again if I need to go back to Mauritius in the future & of course if I’m not in a hurry.
Singapore to Dubai took about 7 hours and I had to wait at Dubai airport for 4 to 5 hours (didn’t feel long because I was in the duty free shops) before the Dubai to Mauritius flight. Dubai to Mauritius took another 6 ¹/₂ hours. The tickets are more expensive than for Singapore to Mauritius on Air Mauritius but the food was better, the service was better. Enough said.

Something I noticed when disembarking from the Singapore to Dubai flight was that the plane was quite clean. I was impressed. Were most passengers Singaporeans? I couldn’t help wondering. In Singapore, people usually don’t litter because they risk getting fined heavily. On the other hand, I noticed that the plane for the Dubai to Mauritius flight wasn’t that clean when I got off the plane. The passengers were mostly Indians, French and Mauritians.

After I reached Mauritius, it took me a few minutes to get used to hearing most people around me speak Creole or French again and I smiled. This is home. I love that feeling of being back home, back to our sunny little island. Well it wasn’t really sunny because it rained for a few days but my stay was still enjoyable.

I went to the beach once, went to Shout & Shotz once (but didn’t enjoy myself much because of cigarette smoke. I don’t have anything against smokers but I have breathing difficulties on and off. FYI, people aren’t allowed to smoke in bars/clubs in Singapore), met up with a few friends for lunch or dinner but I’ve been spending most of my time with my family. I didn’t have time to meet all my friends but hopefully, I’ll be able to see them next time. My parents weren’t keen on letting me go out at night and I had to stay at friends’ places instead of going back home after midnight because they reckon that our neighbourhood isn’t as safe as it used to be years ago. Mauritius is said to be an ideal destination for tourists but how do the local people rate Mauritius when it comes to safety, esp. when it’s not in the city centre? I’ve heard a few stories about people driving back home after clubbing , seeing bricks/crates/barrels on the road, getting out of the car to move them and then getting attacked & robbed? Something like that. Can anyone confirm those stories? To my non-Mauritian friends, please don’t get a bad impression of Mauritius. No country is 100% safe. I love Mauritius. (note: 2009 report about Crime and Safety in Mauritius. )

Staying in Mauritius from 26 December 2009 to 7th January 2010 was NOT ENOUGH. The last time I went back home was 2 ¹/₂ years ago and I had stayed for about 1 ¹/₂ months.

The good thing is that I’m back to Singapore with a clearer mind and feeling better than the last couple of months. Hopefully, 2010 will be a better year for me.

I will write about my stay in Mauritius soon and of course, I’ll upload some photos.
I want to enjoy my Saturday lazying around at home after this long, tiring week.

Thanks for the emails and comments.

I’ve been going through a rough time and sometimes I find it really hard to stand on my feet and keep going. I seem to be slowly finding my way to wherever I should be and I have a few persons to thank for that. Apart from those people who know me, there are others, bloggers or complete strangers, who have sent me emails or wrote comments here. They gave me advice, wrote words of encouragement and even told me a few jokes to cheer me up. Some people seem to be able to relate to what I’m going through and they email me to tell me about their own experiences. It’s kind of weird to receive emails/comments from complete strangers but all these really helped me. Thanks for caring.
I’m not going to lie and say that I am doing great now but I truly feel like I’m doing better, that I’m stronger somehow. I will write a reply to those unanswered emails and comments asap. Sorry for taking so long. I guess that it took a while for all those words to sink in.

I’m resizing a few photos for my next blog entry.
I’ll try not to disappear again.

I used to consider this blog as the place where I would pour out my feelings but ever since the number of Mauritian blogs has been increasing over the last few years, I’ve been trying to avoid talking about my feelings or anything too personal but today I will make an exception. I guess that I’ve got too much on my mind and since I keep everything to myself, everything just keep piling up and I feel like I’m going to have a break down. I feel like I’m going through some kind of quarter life crisis.

I used to be excited whenever my birthday comes around but this year, I am not happy or excited. I can’t believe that I’m already 25. Ten years ago, 09.09.99 was one of my most memorable birthdays celebrated at school with my classmates. I miss those happy,carefree days. Time flies. The person I am today is different from the person I was back then. Deep down inside, I am still me but I have different beliefs, different ways of looking at things now. I wonder how my life will be 10 years from now.

I’ve closed myself up in my room for the past few weeks, only going out from time to time when I feel like I need to ‘breathe’. While I’ve been nursing myself back to health, I’ve had plenty of time to think.
My nickname used to be sunnygirl but I’ve long outgrown it. The old happy days are over and nothing can bring them back. I miss that part of my life back in Mauritius when I was carefree, outgoing, happy etc. Then came the rebellious days, the unhappy times at home but I was still happy because I was surrounded by friends who cared for me, who understood me and who stood by me through me thick and thin. Still, I chose to leave it all behind. I wanted to start anew. I got a scholarship and I left Mauritius. Slowly, the family problems were more or less solved but I had already changed. I guess that a part of me had died back then. Then I had 4 wonderful years in Shanghai. I have to admit that not everything was perfect. I still encountered some problems but that’s how life is. I had dreams. I had ambitions, I even wanted to settle down there but then, I became insecure. I kept questioning myself about many things. In the end, I left Shanghai. Now that I think about it, I think I just wanted to run away, to start anew again. Another part of me seemed to have died.
I came to Singapore hoping to find some answers but so far, I’ve found nothing. I have friends who have settled down when it comes to career, family, relationships etc but as for me, I’m trying to figure out who I am, where I should go from here and what I should be doing. Some people already know what they want to do in life but others, including me, are still trying to figure out what they should be doing.

Today, I’m making a promise to myself. I will not run away anymore. I will not keep holding on to the past. There is no point in hanging on to the flimsy thread, there is no point in hoping that everything will be fine. All good things come to an end but there are better things out there. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I should learn to move forward instead of taking a few steps backwards every time.

I want to go back to the old me, to my old life, to the happy days but it’s not possible. I’ve had enough of change but I’m perfectly aware that change is inevitable. I’m still finding myself. Some people have made me realize that I have to let go in order to move on. I have to let go even if it means that I will fall. I’d rather fall now than keep on waiting because when the time comes and I finally decide to let go, it will be too late. I will fall harder and be even more hurt.

I think I’ve been reluctant to let go because …
What if I let go and it turns out that I’ve made the wrong decision?
What if everything would have been fine after a while if only I hanged on?
What if I let go and no one catches me as I fall?
Too many what ifs and no answers… I’m tired. I’ve had enough.
Once I let go, there is no turning back but for my own sake, I have to let go.

Letting go right now isn’t so bad I guess. After falling, I just have to learn to get back to my feet once again and move on. Happy days are just around the corner. I will work hard towards my goals, I will stop feeling lost, I will have a more positive outlook on life.

Happy 25th Birthday to me.

p.s I have a couple of unanswered emails and comments. Sorry about this. I didn’t feel like doing anything these past few days.

I like to keep myself busy so that I don’t have time to think. I’ve been staying at home since Monday and now I have too much time on my hands. This means that I have more time to think. I hate this feeling.

Everyone says that sick people should just stay in bed and rest but I’ve already slept for 10 hours and if I sleep any longer, I’ll go crazy. I’m not that sick anyway. It’s just an infection. I’ve just taken my medicine and unlike yesterday, I don’t feel drowsy at all today. I’m wide awake and feeling very alert.
I’ve decided to clean my room today. Someone once told me that I always seem to be cleaning my room. Whenever I clean my room, it takes me a couple of hours and the results are great. Somehow I always have bags of trash to throw away after I’m done. Within 2 weeks, chaos reign supreme yet again. I guess that my room kinda reflects the way my life is right now. I love that feeling I get when I’m cleaning. Cleaning is my outlet for stress. Everyday cleaning can be drudgery but cleaning whenever I have to deal with strong emotions… well, that feels good.

I have already opened some of the boxes which I had previously stored away in a corner. I know that there is no point in holding on to things which are full of bad memories. Scraps of paper where I’ve jotted down my thoughts, old letters, old postcards, clothes that I no longer wear etc. Everything must go.

I have a sore throat since Monday. I thought that it was because of the burger and fries I ate the day before when I went out with friends to eat at Blooies. I drank more water and slept more but nothing changed. I still had a sore throat. I was coughing a little but I didn’t have fever or a runny nose. The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to drink some barley juice and then I went to the bathroom. I puked and it was orange in color. Ewwwwwwwwwwww. (Barley juice is not orange in color.)
I went back to my room and coughed up phlegm. It’s the first and the only one that I have coughed up since Monday. It looked like a mixture of red and yellow. hmm.. Orange color? Yuck. It was thicker than normal phlegm. D and Liz told me to go see a doctor. I took a photo of the phlegm which was still on a piece of tissue paper. I’m not going to post the photo because it is so gross. I was trying to describe the phlegm to the doctor but then I asked her “Can I show you a photo of my phlegm?” She laughed. I showed her the photo and she told me that there was blood in it. Well, that explains the color.
Anyway it turns out to be some kind of upper respiratory tract infection and I went back home with a syrup, two types of pills, some antibiotics and $28 lighter. The medicine made me very drowsy and I slept till 9 p.m.

Out of these 4, the disgusting syrup is probably what I like the most. I hate pills. I hate capsules.

I don’t want to go into the details but for a while now I’ve been telling myself to smile and look happy. It’s not that I want to fool people into thinking that I’m happy but it’s more like I’m trying to convince myself that I am happy.
Did I do the right thing? Am I in the right place? Should I … ? Maybe… ?
There are too many questions and no answers. I don’t want to talk to anyone about all these. This is my fight.

Sometimes I feel like laughing at myself, laugh at how stupid I’ve been and how pathetic I am to let myself be overwhelmed by setbacks.

I look forward to seeing a stronger me.
Yes, I will be stronger.
Yes, I will stop feeling lost.
I will overcome this and that… I will overcome everything.
I will bounce back.
Whatever it takes.

=====
On a happier note..

2 things which cheered me up or which made me smile yesterday:

1. Irwin gave me a link to a video of Don’t worry be happy by Bobby Mcferrin after he saw my facebook status.
2. Someone said this in an email “….funny, you’re writing me from the future ;-) …”
(Different time zones. It was already the 8th in Singapore but it was still the 7th in his country. )

Two mosquito bites and my arm is like this. I didn’t even scratch. Last time, I got that on my left foot after I had dinner with Mike and Di at Bukit Timah. What’s wrong with the mosquitoes here? Why do they like me so much? I don’t know why that whole area became so red and warm to the touch. What’s wrong with me?
At least I didn’t get any bruises this week. I’m the type of person who gets bruises very easily. Every week when I see a new bruise, I ask myself how I got it. ah… *sigh*

Too tired to edit photos…

A short update..

From this page at Raffles Medical Group website,

Current influenza vaccination does not confer any protection against the Influenza A (H1N1) virus.

However vaccination is still necessary because if you come down with flu like symptoms after vaccination, then there is higher alert as to whether you may have contracted Influenza A (H1N1) or avian flu. Early treatment can then be initiated.
…………
………..
………..
You may get mild soreness or fever after 1-2 days from the vaccination.

I am going to travel to Hong Kong and mainland China soon. I went to the Raffles Medical Clinic at Block 131 Jurong East Street 13 #01-267 today but the flu vaccines were out of stock. I should have phoned first. Argh. I’ll be calling the other Raffles Medical Clinics tomorrow.