September 9th, 2009Some thoughts on my birthday
I used to consider this blog as the place where I would pour out my feelings but ever since the number of Mauritian blogs has been increasing over the last few years, I’ve been trying to avoid talking about my feelings or anything too personal but today I will make an exception. I guess that I’ve got too much on my mind and since I keep everything to myself, everything just keep piling up and I feel like I’m going to have a break down. I feel like I’m going through some kind of quarter life crisis.
I used to be excited whenever my birthday comes around but this year, I am not happy or excited. I can’t believe that I’m already 25. Ten years ago, 09.09.99 was one of my most memorable birthdays celebrated at school with my classmates. I miss those happy,carefree days. Time flies. The person I am today is different from the person I was back then. Deep down inside, I am still me but I have different beliefs, different ways of looking at things now. I wonder how my life will be 10 years from now.
I’ve closed myself up in my room for the past few weeks, only going out from time to time when I feel like I need to ‘breathe’. While I’ve been nursing myself back to health, I’ve had plenty of time to think.
My nickname used to be sunnygirl but I’ve long outgrown it. The old happy days are over and nothing can bring them back. I miss that part of my life back in Mauritius when I was carefree, outgoing, happy etc. Then came the rebellious days, the unhappy times at home but I was still happy because I was surrounded by friends who cared for me, who understood me and who stood by me through me thick and thin. Still, I chose to leave it all behind. I wanted to start anew. I got a scholarship and I left Mauritius. Slowly, the family problems were more or less solved but I had already changed. I guess that a part of me had died back then. Then I had 4 wonderful years in Shanghai. I have to admit that not everything was perfect. I still encountered some problems but that’s how life is. I had dreams. I had ambitions, I even wanted to settle down there but then, I became insecure. I kept questioning myself about many things. In the end, I left Shanghai. Now that I think about it, I think I just wanted to run away, to start anew again. Another part of me seemed to have died.
I came to Singapore hoping to find some answers but so far, I’ve found nothing. I have friends who have settled down when it comes to career, family, relationships etc but as for me, I’m trying to figure out who I am, where I should go from here and what I should be doing. Some people already know what they want to do in life but others, including me, are still trying to figure out what they should be doing.
Today, I’m making a promise to myself. I will not run away anymore. I will not keep holding on to the past. There is no point in hanging on to the flimsy thread, there is no point in hoping that everything will be fine. All good things come to an end but there are better things out there. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I should learn to move forward instead of taking a few steps backwards every time.
I want to go back to the old me, to my old life, to the happy days but it’s not possible. I’ve had enough of change but I’m perfectly aware that change is inevitable. I’m still finding myself. Some people have made me realize that I have to let go in order to move on. I have to let go even if it means that I will fall. I’d rather fall now than keep on waiting because when the time comes and I finally decide to let go, it will be too late. I will fall harder and be even more hurt.
I think I’ve been reluctant to let go because …
What if I let go and it turns out that I’ve made the wrong decision?
What if everything would have been fine after a while if only I hanged on?
What if I let go and no one catches me as I fall?
Too many what ifs and no answers… I’m tired. I’ve had enough.
Once I let go, there is no turning back but for my own sake, I have to let go.
Letting go right now isn’t so bad I guess. After falling, I just have to learn to get back to my feet once again and move on. Happy days are just around the corner. I will work hard towards my goals, I will stop feeling lost, I will have a more positive outlook on life.
Happy 25th Birthday to me. 
p.s I have a couple of unanswered emails and comments. Sorry about this. I didn’t feel like doing anything these past few days.
I’ve never took the SG-Dubai-Mru...
I’m so glad that I went home.
I’m trying to find time to go back to...
i didn’t know your tweet was about your birthday until i read this entry…! stupid me!
Quote?Happy Birthday! cheerio, Aline!!! like you said, time flies…so, forget about everything else! please do make the most of now and enjoy!
spam!?! not again!
Quote?hmm, thats sounds like an autobiography… First time reading this kind of post for a birthday, you see these kind of articles for new year resolutions
Anyway, Happy Birthday!
Quote?And wish u all the best!
*reviving your inner core-girl-self*
Quote?*yay*
You’ll be alright! You’re strong, adventurous, brilliant, funny, and have a sweet tooth…and you have a scalp which is the equivalent of a golden fleece.
*sending good b-day vibes to you*
P.S
Don’t fall. Jump instead. HairJumper is alive! Alive! Aline! Cheer up!
Happy birthday!
Quote?Happy Birthday!
Life is meant to be pwned.
Quote?Happy Birthday Aline!
We all need to take risks and difficult decisions at times, and yes sometimes we will have regrets borne out of these, but that’s how we become more mature and more responsible. I think. I am having these doubts too here in Shanghai, but I am too stubborn to give up and go back to Mauritius.
Quote?oh the quarter life crisis
happy birthday
Quote?HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALINE !!!
BRIGHTER DAYS ARE AHEAD FOR YOU !!!
Quote?for aline :
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
Quote?The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit -
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
Happy Birthday Aline
Quote?I can totally relate to your post. I don’t feel happy and excited about my birthdays anymore. It’s as if as I grow older, I somehow lose interest in my own birthdays. Can’t really explain the feeling
One thing I’ve learned though… As we grow up, we see life with different eyes. We lose our innocence and learn the hard way.
I really missed those days when everything was so smooth and I was so carefree. But I guess that is what growing up is all about… changes - good and bad, new experiences, decision-making…
But as you said, there’s a lot more out there. Sometimes you will lose yourself but you’ll find your way eventually. Let yourself be “sunnygirl” on and off again and just smile because the best is yet to come.
Once more, happy birthday Aline
Quote?*hug*
{{{{ hug aline }}}}
after the rain, comes the rainbow
you’re not sunnygirl anymore, but you will be the rainbowgirl !
Quote?Hi Aline!
First thing, Happy Birthday!
Second thing, don’t think too much of the past. Just think of the future. I think the same things as you. Where am I now in life? How come I don’t know what i want to do? My friends all seem to be so sure of their direction in life. I feel lost, somehow. Never ever have I imagined I would be stuck in such a situation. But I need to find myself and its something only we can do ourselves and no one can help us. They give us advice and pointers. But in the end, its our decision to make.
At the end of the day, you still need to enjoy life. Explore everything you can. You can still do all that while you feel your way through life and you will find your direction. Have faith.
Quote?Happy 21st !
Quote?Hi Alineeeeee
Just passing by to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! hehe
Quote?hope u had a blast!
take care xxx
Hey same date as father Laval! Happy birthday!
Quote?Happy Birthday to you (I think in Singapore it’s already Thursday.)
Quote?I just re read your article, you’re 25, could have fooled me
Quote?I thought you were only 20 ! ;)
Happy Birthday
Take it easy Aline - life is about the journey not the destination. So, enjoy the ride!
Quote?Happy birthday, Aline.
Don’t worry, be happy.
Quote?Happy birthday to you!
I felt the same last year, celebrating my 25th birthday. I felt… old. Not a young woman anymore, but I guess a full grown-up. Plus, some of my friends, the same age, started having babies…!
Quote?don’t worry, you are not alone
and am sure you will be ok, just do things at your own pace…
Quote?Happy Birthday! I hope your doing great right now. In life there are so many choices but still it’s up to you on what you want with your life. For me it is better to failed for something you have a passion of doing than be miserable doing the things because you have no choice. But certainly you have a choice.
Quote?hmmmm, someone is MIA or even worst - she has gone AWOL!!!
Quote?i’ll get a petition going around to bring her back…
nooooooooooooo, not spam!!!
not again!!!
spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam
Quote?how are you now aline ?
Quote?*poking your hair with a stick* Ah, it’s moving. You’re alive but not blogging. *plugging your hair to a ZPM* *yay* It’s lighting up! Can your fans use your hair strands as part of XMas trees? Just wondering…
Seriously though, are you alright? *tickles*
Quote?Happy belated birthday!
Quote?I randomly found your blog and your post was just like reading about my own life. I started out in Sweden, ran away to New Zealand for four years(where I had the best & the worst of times) and after a quick stop back home I’m now in Shanghai and wondering if I’ll ever find whatever it is I’m looking for? Wish you a good year.
still no blog update!?!
Quote?she promised! 03/12/09 = blog update!
she lied!!! how could she!!!
@waz, it is still 02 Dec 2009 23:31 in Singapore.
I’m going to write something in a few minutes. Have to resize some pics.
Quote?Hey Aline!
Just read ur entry about your birthday! I was stunned to say the least, cos this is almost how I felt some time ago when I turned 25.
We used to be (I don’t wanna use “used to” but you tell how can we be closer when you’re on the opposite corner of the earth, hehe), so, we used to be quite close while in Shanghai - you are the first foreigner I met in Shanghai, you are the first classmate I met, you’re the first person whose birthday we celebrated in Shanghai, you were the one who to a great extend gave a push to my development, and one that I rarely managed to understand fully….
Quote?To me you’ve always been kinda special, shame on me if I’ve never managed to show you this. You should know who you are and what you can, so listen: I’ve never been sorry about anything I’ve done, NEVER! Nor should you!! I’ve went through thinking that every single step in my life is just escaping from where you belong, but it’s not actually the case - we all are just developing, dear. Like a butterfly, you will need some time, will have to eat many many leaves, will have to have the patience to stay locked, but then you will come out as a WONDERFUL butterfly! Then, spread your astonishing wings and fly up to the skies, fly wherever you want!!!
Because every single step in our lives means both winning and losing, but it depends on you how long will you cry for what you’ve lost and how soon you will find it reborn in something new!!!
Anyway, always remember one thing: DON’T STOP DRAWING THE PICTURE OF YOUR LIFE, EVEN IF YOU CAN NEVER USE AN ERASER!
In a way, I love you, and all your family and friends do, so BE WHAT YOU ARE! HAPPY SECOND QUARTER-CENTURY!!!