I used to consider this blog as the place where I would pour out my feelings but ever since the number of Mauritian blogs has been increasing over the last few years, I’ve been trying to avoid talking about my feelings or anything too personal but today will be an exception. I guess that I’ve got too much on my mind and since I keep everything to myself, everything just keep piling up and I feel like I’m going to have a break down. I feel like I’m going through some kind of quarter life crisis.

I used to be excited whenever my birthday comes around but this year, I am not happy or excited. I can’t believe that I’m already 25. Ten years ago, 09.09.99 was one of my most memorable birthdays celebrated at school with my classmates. I miss those happy,carefree days. Time flies. The person I am today is different from the person I was back then. Deep down inside, I am still me but I have different beliefs, different ways of looking at things now. I wonder how my life will be 10 years from now.

I’ve closed myself up in my room for the past few weeks, only going out from time to time when I feel like I need to ‘breathe’. While I’ve been nursing myself back to health, I’ve had plenty of time to think.
My nickname used to be sunnygirl but I’ve long outgrown it. The old happy days are over and nothing can bring them back. I miss that part of my life back in Mauritius when I was carefree, outgoing, happy etc. Then came the rebellious days, the unhappy times at home but I was still happy because I was surrounded by friends who cared for me, who understood me and who stood by me through me thick and thin. Still, I chose to leave it all behind. I wanted to start anew. I got a scholarship and I left Mauritius. Slowly, the family problems were more or less solved but I had already changed. I guess that a part of me had died back then. Then I had 4 wonderful years in Shanghai. I have to admit that not everything was perfect. I still encountered some problems but that’s how life is. I had dreams. I had ambitions, I even wanted to settle down there but then, I became insecure. I kept questioning myself about many things. In the end, I left Shanghai. Now that I think about it, I think I just wanted to run away, to start anew again. Another part of me seemed to have died.
I came to Singapore hoping to find some answers but so far, I’ve found nothing. I have friends who have settled down when it comes to career, family, relationships etc but as for me, I’m trying to figure out who I am, where I should go from here and what I should be doing. Some people already know what they want to do in life but others, including me, are still trying to figure out what they should be doing.

Today, I’m making a promise to myself. I will not run away anymore. I will not keep holding on to the past. There is no point in hanging on to the flimsy thread, there is no point in hoping that everything will be fine. All good things come to an end but there are better things out there. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I should learn to move forward instead of taking a few steps backwards every time.

I want to go back to the old me, to my old life, to the happy days but it’s not possible. I’ve had enough of change but I’m perfectly aware that change is inevitable. I’m still finding myself. Some people have made me realize that I have to let go in order to move on. I have to let go even if it means that I will fall. I’d rather fall now than keep on waiting because when the time comes and I finally decide to let go, it will be too late. I will fall harder and be even more hurt.

I think I’ve been reluctant to let go because …
What if I let go and it turns out that I’ve made the wrong decision?
What if everything would have been fine after a while if only I waited?
What if I let go and no one catches me as I fall?
Too many what ifs and no answers… I’m tired. I’ve had enough.
Once I let go, there is no turning back but for my own sake, I have to let go.

Letting go right now isn’t so bad I guess. After falling, I just have to learn to get back to my feet once again and move on. Happy days are just around the corner. I will work hard towards my goals, I will stop feeling lost, I will have a more positive outlook on life.

Happy 25th Birthday to me. :)

p.s I have a couple of unanswered emails and comments. Sorry about this. I didn’t feel like doing anything these past few days.