August 18th, 2005Finding myself
I’ve done some intense thinking during the last 2 years. I’ve met many people in my life, I’ve made many mistakes, I’ve achieved many things, I have tried to change & forget things in a pretty drastic way, I went through a tomboyish phase, a rebellious phase, an all fun and no work phase, an all work and no play phase,etc . All I can say now is that past experiences have made me what I am today. Still a bit naive but at least now I can differentiate because my real friends and those fair-weather friends. My real friends are those who stood by me when I went through that difficult part of my life. They are those who understand or try to understand me. I can never be thankful enough for their friendship. I’d like to say that my life is a bed of roses now but that would be lying to myself. At home, things are better between my mum and I now compared to the previous years. The one year ’separation’ did some good. She is nicer to me now and I’m nicer to her.
Last year, I left Mauritius for Shanghai and made a few changes in my life. I stopped going out. I did make new friends. It’s just that I didn’t have much of a social life. I just didn’t feel like it. I was no longer into partying, clubbing or anything with loads of people around. I put walls all around me. It’s like I crawled into a shell and refused to come out. Still, some people somehow managed to break into that little shell of mine during my first year in Shanghai. My life in Shanghai was just my university life, some quality time with a few close friends, shopping , a few nights out (as to how many… let’s say I can count them on my fingers.. ) and of course my computer. yeah..What would I do without a computer..
Now back to Mauritius for my summer hols, I meet up with those old friends and some tell me that I’ve changed, that I’m more quiet, more serious, shy, don’t talk as much as before, etc. They tell me things which I didn’t realise or maybe I refused to admit to myself. Where did the carefree, outgoing, fun-loving girl go? I have no idea. I’m a bit lost. I also realise that now, I’m suffering from some lack of self-confidence too. One year in Shanghai was all it took for me to change this much. Still, I think I started changing a few months before I left Mauritius. It was a slow process and hopefully not irreversible. I became ‘weak’. I feel like I need to be taken care of. Now as I think about all this, I’m not happy with how I’ve become now. Is this just a new phase of mine? Will I be stuck at this point of my life or will I move on and be strong once more. I don’t know. I seem to have lost my joie de vivre. Maybe these two months hols in Mauritius will do me some good after all. I can already feel some of the old Aline ‘coming back’. hmm.. I think I need more of those heart-to-heart talks. I want those doubts and illusions that have plagued me to disappear. Yes, it’s high time to get a grip on myself.
Like HaruHaru on 43things said : “no one gives you a map of your mind, you have to figure out that maze on your own, by finding yourself, you can be truely happy”.
I’ve never took the SG-Dubai-Mru...
I’m so glad that I went home.
I’m trying to find time to go back to...
A very sincere post.
When I moved in with my aunt, she used to tell me that regular “examens de conscience” were important to understand one’s position in life. Little did I understand at that time, I was probably 11 years old, but over the years I’ve found her advice to be invaluable. Every night before I sleep, I lie in bed thinking about the day, the good, the bad and the lessons to be learned.
Quote?I think you are simply not getting used to the ‘current you’ or shall we say the ‘changed you’, in paticular when your old friends treat you with an unchanged expectation. That creates worry/anxiety/lack of confidence, right? Accept those changes because there will always be changes and they are irresistable. I don’t think anyone is obliged to remain unchanged for the ‘good old days’ he/she once had. Be strong and all will pass, just like a walk by.
Quote?We all change throughout life. But I believe there’s something at the core of your personality that makes you, you. This doesn’t change. It may have been overwhelmed or hidden by periods of adaptation or drastic change like teenage years or going abroad, but one’s essence remains.
Just be yourself. Don’t let the past taunt you. You need to be at ease with the present ‘you’, look back at your past ‘you’ to learn from it and shape your future ‘you’. Now, that’s a lot of babbling from my part. I know well it’s easier said than done. So, look at the positive sides and believe in yourself as you did in the past
Quote?Well, as you have travelled to a different country into a whole new environment, it may affect you into changing into the person you are now. All I can say is that as human beings, we react differently and tend to adapt when we are placed in new environments. Hence, you may find some changes in your personality and character. Although it is hard for you to notice it yourself (because change is gradual), your friends back home may notice it because they haven’t seen you in a while. Hence the change from your current self from the past will be more ‘drastic’ in that sense.
Whatever it is, just be yourself. We go through good changes and bad changes in life. But your ‘personality change’ seems harmless. So there is nothing to worry about.
Quote?I don’t need a map to come here and to read you…
Quote?Don’t forget : “Quand on veut, on peut !”
Kisses from Belgium.
yea, it seems that once you start changing, it always takes time to become accustomed to the “new” you… usually a person isn’t comfortable in their own skin until they are truly where they are supposed to be in life…
Quote?people change, you change. changes is ever constant and inevitable .. and at times easier than standing still. In my opinion, if you change and the people or things around you move to catch up with you, they are worth keeping in your life. If they try to hold you back … it’s up to you to decide
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Quote?The thing is yea, people change. It’s inevitable. But you have to ask yourself this: “Do you feel right about the change?” It’s one thing to realise that a change has occured but is it the change you want? Do you feel it has made u a better person? If yes, then thumbs up! but if no, you should then initiate change for the better.
Btw, about my blog, I know it hasn’t been moving..haha..it will, just give it a bit more time. I myself went through a bit of thinking and realised I had to make my way back to Malaysia (just arrived 5 days ago). The move to Shanghai was fantastic but it wasn’t the right choice…not now anyways. Shame we didn’t get to meet. Maybe one day!
Quote?Thanks to everyone for their advice. I really appreciate it. I’m still ‘finding myself’ and it will be a long & difficult process. However, I’m going to do my best to believe in myself.
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